Post by lozwinter on Jun 3, 2005 18:41:44 GMT
found this from quite a while ago lol cant remember who made it but it makes me laugh
loz x
----------------------------------------------------
(Spooky music)
Dr David Bull: Hello and Welcome to the 745th Most Haunted Live. Tonight we’re coming from the ancient town of Trumpton. We will be sending our team to one of several locations decided by you, the viewer. Remember, you can contact us via the website, by text or by phone (calls cost £46 per minute). Please remember, if you’re not the bill payer, sod it just ring in anyway. Without further ado, please welcome the team, Derek Acorah, Yvette Fielding and some other bloke that tags along!
(Loud music starts as an overly sweaty man, pale woman dressed entirely in black and some other bloke make their way down the central aisle as the audience rise to their feet, throwing garlands of flowers in their path. Derek, Yvette and Kieron are followed by a large security man following death threats from the evil organisation known as Sceptic, run by the murderous Doctor Logic.)
Dr David Bull: Can I also introduce David Wells….
(Thunderous applause from the audience, an overwrought woman cries ‘David, I want your babies!’ Voice off camera exclaims ‘Yeah, that’s going to happen’.)
Dr David Bull: …. And resident sceptic, Dr Matthew Smith.
(Audience boos. Cries of ‘Stone the unbeliever’)
Dr David Bull: Well, Derek, Yvette and whoever you are, your first location is the old fire station. How do you feel?
Derek Acorah: Well, David I’m excited.
(Voice off camera, sounding suspiciously like Richard Felix: ‘Oh, isn’t Derek marvellous!’)
Yvette Fielding: Shhhhh! Did you hear that!
Dr David Bull: Er, yes it was me asking a question. Anyway, team please make your way to the first location.
(Loud dance music erupts, as the team followed by a beefed up security contingent, containing two battalions of the Parachute regiment, make their way to the fire station. Two members of the audience explode due to the excitement.)
Dr David Bull: As the team make their way to the first haunted location, we go over to Shrek in the hub.
Shrek (for it is he): Well David. We’ve already had some paranormal activity reported tonight. Just as the show started, a viewer came out of his bathroom and distinctly heard someone say ‘That bloody bloke next door is flushing the toilet again’. There is no-one else in the house with him. Back to you, David.
Dr David Bull: Well, as an open minded sceptic, I’m convinced. David Wells?
David Wells: Can I just simper at the camera a bit here, David?
Dr David Bull: Please do!
(Next five minutes is David Wells looking smugly at the camera)
Dr David Bull: Matthew?
Matthew Smith: Well….
(Audience boos and hangs Matthew Smith in effigy.)
Dr David Bull: So, no answer then Matthew. We can now go back to the team.
Yvette Fielding: Well, it’s very dark and oppressive here. Derek, are you picking anything up?
Derek Acorah: Well, Yvvey. As soon as I came in I picked up several spirits. I’m picking up the name Pugh and McGrew. Oh, they’re bad ‘uns. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was possessed several times tonight, just before we go into ad-breaks.
At this point, something flies across the room and hits the floor. Someone picks up a pen from the floor.
Yvette Fielding: We know for a fact that this pen is from the room next door and is securely fixed to the desk by at least two bits of Sellotape. There’s no-one else in the building except me, Derek, this bloke, 72 members of the crew and our security contingent, which now includes two squadrons of the SAS and a battleship anchored off shore, just in case. It’s shaken everyone up, David. Even Karl is upset and he’s so tough he can cut planks of wood in half just by looking at them. Back to you, David
Dr David Bull: David Wells?
David Wells: Would this be a good time to smash myself in the face with a mirror?
(Voice of Matthew Smith, off camera: ‘Is there a bad time?’)
Dr David Bull: Matthew?
Matthew Smith: Well….
(Audience boos and attempts to storm the stage, all while wearing garlic round their neck)
Dr David Bull: Richard Felix?
Richard Felix: Well, David. Here I am jigging up and down as if I need the toilet. The names that Derek (at this point Richard Felix sighs, looks into the distance and whispers, ‘Derek’s so dreamy’) are linked to the fire station! This is so secret that only the Queen of England and the Pope know about these names. It’s rumoured that the Pope keeps the names locked in a safe which is guarded by Killer Bees and dogs with big teeth. Oh, the names are also available in several books and on 7,346 web sites if you Google them. Oh, and in my new book ‘I’ll believe in any old Pony, me’ available in good books shops.
Dr David Bull: Amazing! Shrek, anything from you?
Shrek: Well, Barry Looney has phoned to say that his TV stopped working at the moment that Derek said the names Pugh and McGrew. He’s also sure that it’s nothing to do with the power cut in his street. Agnes Nutter, from Stonehenge has faxed us this drawing she drew of Pugh.
(Shows a picture of what appears to be a seven year olds drawing of Barney the Purple Dinosaur)
Dr David Bull: Richard?
Richard Felix: Well, there’s nothing in the books about Pugh being a giant, purple, carnivorous lizard that would have been extinct for 65 million years but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t.
David Wells: Can I just say that as Derek said those names, I was picking up the spirit of a sailor?
(Voice off camera: ‘Nothing new there then’)
Dr David Bull: Back to Derek!
(Voice of Producer in David Bulls earpiece: Can’t go back to Derek. He claims he’s been possessed by the spirit of the Marlborough Man, so he’s out the back having a f*g.)
The show then carries on like this for the next eight and half hours.
loz x
----------------------------------------------------
(Spooky music)
Dr David Bull: Hello and Welcome to the 745th Most Haunted Live. Tonight we’re coming from the ancient town of Trumpton. We will be sending our team to one of several locations decided by you, the viewer. Remember, you can contact us via the website, by text or by phone (calls cost £46 per minute). Please remember, if you’re not the bill payer, sod it just ring in anyway. Without further ado, please welcome the team, Derek Acorah, Yvette Fielding and some other bloke that tags along!
(Loud music starts as an overly sweaty man, pale woman dressed entirely in black and some other bloke make their way down the central aisle as the audience rise to their feet, throwing garlands of flowers in their path. Derek, Yvette and Kieron are followed by a large security man following death threats from the evil organisation known as Sceptic, run by the murderous Doctor Logic.)
Dr David Bull: Can I also introduce David Wells….
(Thunderous applause from the audience, an overwrought woman cries ‘David, I want your babies!’ Voice off camera exclaims ‘Yeah, that’s going to happen’.)
Dr David Bull: …. And resident sceptic, Dr Matthew Smith.
(Audience boos. Cries of ‘Stone the unbeliever’)
Dr David Bull: Well, Derek, Yvette and whoever you are, your first location is the old fire station. How do you feel?
Derek Acorah: Well, David I’m excited.
(Voice off camera, sounding suspiciously like Richard Felix: ‘Oh, isn’t Derek marvellous!’)
Yvette Fielding: Shhhhh! Did you hear that!
Dr David Bull: Er, yes it was me asking a question. Anyway, team please make your way to the first location.
(Loud dance music erupts, as the team followed by a beefed up security contingent, containing two battalions of the Parachute regiment, make their way to the fire station. Two members of the audience explode due to the excitement.)
Dr David Bull: As the team make their way to the first haunted location, we go over to Shrek in the hub.
Shrek (for it is he): Well David. We’ve already had some paranormal activity reported tonight. Just as the show started, a viewer came out of his bathroom and distinctly heard someone say ‘That bloody bloke next door is flushing the toilet again’. There is no-one else in the house with him. Back to you, David.
Dr David Bull: Well, as an open minded sceptic, I’m convinced. David Wells?
David Wells: Can I just simper at the camera a bit here, David?
Dr David Bull: Please do!
(Next five minutes is David Wells looking smugly at the camera)
Dr David Bull: Matthew?
Matthew Smith: Well….
(Audience boos and hangs Matthew Smith in effigy.)
Dr David Bull: So, no answer then Matthew. We can now go back to the team.
Yvette Fielding: Well, it’s very dark and oppressive here. Derek, are you picking anything up?
Derek Acorah: Well, Yvvey. As soon as I came in I picked up several spirits. I’m picking up the name Pugh and McGrew. Oh, they’re bad ‘uns. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was possessed several times tonight, just before we go into ad-breaks.
At this point, something flies across the room and hits the floor. Someone picks up a pen from the floor.
Yvette Fielding: We know for a fact that this pen is from the room next door and is securely fixed to the desk by at least two bits of Sellotape. There’s no-one else in the building except me, Derek, this bloke, 72 members of the crew and our security contingent, which now includes two squadrons of the SAS and a battleship anchored off shore, just in case. It’s shaken everyone up, David. Even Karl is upset and he’s so tough he can cut planks of wood in half just by looking at them. Back to you, David
Dr David Bull: David Wells?
David Wells: Would this be a good time to smash myself in the face with a mirror?
(Voice of Matthew Smith, off camera: ‘Is there a bad time?’)
Dr David Bull: Matthew?
Matthew Smith: Well….
(Audience boos and attempts to storm the stage, all while wearing garlic round their neck)
Dr David Bull: Richard Felix?
Richard Felix: Well, David. Here I am jigging up and down as if I need the toilet. The names that Derek (at this point Richard Felix sighs, looks into the distance and whispers, ‘Derek’s so dreamy’) are linked to the fire station! This is so secret that only the Queen of England and the Pope know about these names. It’s rumoured that the Pope keeps the names locked in a safe which is guarded by Killer Bees and dogs with big teeth. Oh, the names are also available in several books and on 7,346 web sites if you Google them. Oh, and in my new book ‘I’ll believe in any old Pony, me’ available in good books shops.
Dr David Bull: Amazing! Shrek, anything from you?
Shrek: Well, Barry Looney has phoned to say that his TV stopped working at the moment that Derek said the names Pugh and McGrew. He’s also sure that it’s nothing to do with the power cut in his street. Agnes Nutter, from Stonehenge has faxed us this drawing she drew of Pugh.
(Shows a picture of what appears to be a seven year olds drawing of Barney the Purple Dinosaur)
Dr David Bull: Richard?
Richard Felix: Well, there’s nothing in the books about Pugh being a giant, purple, carnivorous lizard that would have been extinct for 65 million years but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t.
David Wells: Can I just say that as Derek said those names, I was picking up the spirit of a sailor?
(Voice off camera: ‘Nothing new there then’)
Dr David Bull: Back to Derek!
(Voice of Producer in David Bulls earpiece: Can’t go back to Derek. He claims he’s been possessed by the spirit of the Marlborough Man, so he’s out the back having a f*g.)
The show then carries on like this for the next eight and half hours.