|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:03:25 GMT
Impress
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked, with beer.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:03:44 GMT
Man's Rules for Woman
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Don't make us guess. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. He's never thinking about "The Relationship." Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. Dogs are better than cats. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. Anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries. Share the bathroom. Share the closet. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:04:05 GMT
Things
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. I think hairy butts are really sexy. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress. Hey, get a whiff of that one. This diamond is way too big! I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out. What do you mean today's our anniversary? I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. Wow, it really is 14 inches! Does this make my butt look too small? I'm wrong, you must be right, again.
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Here honey, you use the remote. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! While I'm up, can I get you anything? No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions We never talk anymore.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:05:10 GMT
Universal truths - Peter Kay
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 11) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong. 22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 24) You never ever run out of salt. 25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:05:25 GMT
Tommy Cooper jokes
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:05:56 GMT
You know your living in 2004, when..............
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE .. 13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends." 15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,except to send you jokes from the net. 16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9. 17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9. 18. And now you are laughing at yourself!
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:06:11 GMT
lol.... fish tail
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a thingytail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn thingytail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."..................
..........."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:06:28 GMT
THE DEAD DUCK
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ..."
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:06:41 GMT
potentially and realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference Between potentially and realistically?"
The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.
His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."
The father replied, "That's my boy!"
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:07:20 GMT
guys side of the story
Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! *Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football, the shotgun formation, or F1. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:08:13 GMT
An Irish horse
A big Texan Fellah is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.
Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.
Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.
I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.
The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.
Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.
Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!
I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:08:28 GMT
Poop Types
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.
Clean Poop- The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poop- The kind where you wipe your *edited* 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your *edited* and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poop- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poop some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poop- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poop- The kind of poop that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poop- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poop- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop-Poop- The kind where you want to poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poop- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poop- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your *edited* so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poop- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your *edited* and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poop- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poop- The kind of poop that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poop- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poop! .........................LMAO
The Dangling Poop- This poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose. ......lmao
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:08:45 GMT
Fly Joke
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:08:58 GMT
Paying for nukkie
On their wedding night,the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $ 20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state : Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $ 1 million.Then,she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $ 2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3 million, her husband was so astounded he blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business !"
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:09:22 GMT
BBAADD chat up lines...lol
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day. 2. Nice legs...what time do they open? 3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one? 8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. 12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 15. Are those real? 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself. 20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 2 2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom? 23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. 28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza? 33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me. 34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I??? 35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them. 36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
and just as subtle!!!
|
|