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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:53:15 GMT
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:55:44 GMT
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:56:08 GMT
Emoticons We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:56:23 GMT
Ending It All
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:57:20 GMT
"Hey, Nice Tie''
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. "Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it. "Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him. "It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:57:36 GMT
Bar... Grasshopper
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:59:34 GMT
Bar... Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 19:59:52 GMT
Catching Rabbits
Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit? A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit? A. Tame way.
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:00:39 GMT
DO YOU FEEL OLD?
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no
child-proof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets
and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat
was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle
and it tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were alwaysoutside
playing..We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can
and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building
go-carts out of scraps and then went topspeed down the hill, only to
find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a
few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the
morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got
dark. No one was able to reach us and no-one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms. We had
friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and
rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of
trees,
got cut, and broke bones but there were no lawsuits. We had full on
fistfights but no prosecution followed from other parents. We played
knock-on-the-door-and-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not,
WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to
school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks
and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The
idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of...They actually sided with the law. This generation has produced some of the
best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50
years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.We had
freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with
it
all. And you're one of them. Congratulations! Pass this on to others
who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and
government
regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read
about us. This my friends, is surprisingly frightening, and it might
put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities
today
were born in 1986. They are called youth. They have never heard of "We
are the World", "We are the children", and the Uptown Girl they know
is by West life not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Ashley,
Bananarama, Nina Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has
always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since
they
were born CD's have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has
always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that
Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year. They
can never imagine life before computers. They'll
never
have pretended to be the A Team, Red-Hand Gang or the Famous Five.
They'll never have applied to be on "Jim'll Fix It" or "Why Don't
You". They can't believe in black and white television ever existed.
And
they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile
phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in East-Enders the first time around..
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old
days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too...
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:01:00 GMT
Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:01:16 GMT
Dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:01:52 GMT
OAP Sex
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:02:24 GMT
Signs Your Family is Stressed
Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". The school principal has your number on speed-dial. The cat is on Valium. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:02:40 GMT
Things That Sound Dirty in Golf But Aren't
Nuts! My shaft is bent. After 18 holes I can barely walk. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. Look at the size of his putter. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. Mind if I join your threesome? Stand with your back turned and drop it. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
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Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:03:07 GMT
Things Only Women Understand
Cats' facial expressions. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. Fat clothes. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell. Eyelash curlers. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. Other women.
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