|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:09:36 GMT
Jesus
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN His first name was Jesus He was bilingual He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK He called everybody "brother" He liked Gospel He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH He went into his father's business He lived at home until he was 33 He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN He talked with his hands He had wine with every meal He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN He never cut his hair He walked around barefoot He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH He never got married He was always telling stories He loved green pastures
(and now the MOST Compelling EVIDENCE:)
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 9, 2005 20:22:36 GMT
Bar... Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
|
|
shreiskter
New Member
Luv, spells and Lollypops
Posts: 226
|
Post by shreiskter on Apr 10, 2005 20:07:42 GMT
Oh no This is my element
One fine day in Ireland a guy is golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. he goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on the back of his head and the golf ball beside him.
"Goodness" says the golfer and proceeds to revive the poor guy. Upon awakening the little guy says "Well you caught me fair and square. I am a leprachaun and I'll give you three wishes" the man says "I don't want anything from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly" and he walks away
Watching the golfer go the leprachaun says "Well he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so i have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things i would want in life. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."
Well a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little mans and asks how he is doing.
The leprachaun says "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" the golfer says 2it's great. I hit under par for every game" The leprachaun says "That's great. I did that for you. May I ask how is the money situation?"
The golfer says "Well now that you mention it, everytime i put my hand in my pocket I pull out £50" The leprachaun smiles and says 2I did that for you as well. May I ask about your private life?"
The golfer looks at the leprachaun a little shyly and says "Well maybe once or twice a week" The leprachaun is floored and stammers "Once or twice a week? Is that all?" The golfer replies "Well that's not bad for a horny priest in a small Irish parish" ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
shreiskter
New Member
Luv, spells and Lollypops
Posts: 226
|
Post by shreiskter on Apr 10, 2005 20:14:53 GMT
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were taking in the sights of the local cricket pavilion on a day out. They start kissing on a bench and an old couple walk past and stop and stare. The man goes. Oooh that reminds me of the olden days up behind the back of the pavilion. The wife reminices and suggests they go to check it out.
Now the honeymoon couple hear this and decide they must go and check it out. They wait a few minutes and make their way to the back of the pavilion where they see the old couple going at it up against a fence that surrounds the old pitch. They are really moving and jumping around
The couple can't help but stare and when the old couple have finished the young husband goes over to the gentleman "That was amazing. How did you manage it at your age?" He replies "Son. 25 years ago that fence wasn't electrified"
;D
|
|
shreiskter
New Member
Luv, spells and Lollypops
Posts: 226
|
Post by shreiskter on Apr 10, 2005 20:26:11 GMT
WHY TRICK OR TREAT IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack 9) If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy 6) It's OK when the person your with fantasises you're someone else because you ARE someone else 5) 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy 4) if you don't get what you want you can always go next door 3) Doesn't matter if kids next door hear you moaning and groaning 2) Less guilt the next moring AND.... 1) You can do the whole neighbourhood
|
|
shreiskter
New Member
Luv, spells and Lollypops
Posts: 226
|
Post by shreiskter on Apr 10, 2005 20:41:09 GMT
TOMMY COOPER ONES
I went to a seafood disco this week...............and pulled a muscle
I still enjoy sex at 87. I live at 85 so it's not too far
Irelands worst air disaster occured early this morning when a small 2 seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. they left a note on the windscreen. It said "Parking fine" which was nice
My friend drowned in a bowl of museli. A strong current pulled him in
our Ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself
A guy walks into a psychiatrists wearing only clingfilm. The shrink said "well sir, I can clearly see you're nuts"
Two elephants walk off a cliff... Boom, boom!!!
Phone answering machine message....... "If you want to buy any marajuana, press the hash key"
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 15, 2005 14:08:05 GMT
It takes all sorts... My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00 I placed the following phone call to CitiBank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections" CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" CitiBank:"...excuse me .?" Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?" CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...) CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. ) CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death" Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...." CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help." Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (### Hwy 129 and plot number given.) CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 16, 2005 14:28:49 GMT
Men are like....
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ........Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ........Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Apr 22, 2005 21:42:59 GMT
chav jokes...
1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit. 2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted 3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. 4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit. 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? "Wot you lookin'at?" 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music....who's driving? The police 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Gissa a Big Mac 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand 15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 17. What do you call a 27 year old chavette? Granny. 18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll s**** anything. 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit." 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash 22. Why did the chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. 23. What do you call a chav at college? The cleaner. 24. A bus full of chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." 25. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins? Society!
|
|
|
Post by Rosie on Jun 6, 2005 16:48:04 GMT
|
|
DJ
New Member
Posts: 74
|
Post by DJ on Jun 13, 2005 20:14:44 GMT
omg they are funny.......xx
|
|
|
Post by lozwinter on Aug 3, 2005 13:42:19 GMT
- I love chav jokes ~ heres some more....
What do you call a chav with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you call chavs with a brain? A crowd.
What do you do if you run over a chav? Reverse just to make sure
Q: Why did the chav get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
why is it a shame to see 3 chavs going over the edge of a cliff in a rover? there are 4 seats in a rover!
why is it a shame to see 4 chavs going over the edge of a cliff in a rover? theres always room in the boot.
What do you call a chav with a million pounds?
A. A burglar
What do you call a chav coming out with a job application form?
A. Pissed
what do u call a drowned chav?
a start
Q. What do you call a chav falling down a flight of stairs? A. Bangin'
Q. What do you call a chav in a box falling down a flight of stairs? A. Bangin' innit.
|
|
|
Post by Lisa-Marie on Aug 4, 2005 14:48:38 GMT
|
|